Love without attachment

True lovers have always reminded us time and again the evil nature of attachments and insisted that love is possible only without attachment.  Yet, our life is full of attachments and we are indulging in it as if it is quite normal and virtuous.  

What is attachment?

Attachment is attaching our peace with others.  

Attachment is being dependent on others for our identity and wellbeing. 

Attachment is latching on to others for  personal gratification. 

We often attach to things  and people who are close to us and form an our identification with them. And, it becomes very difficult to leave them, they become almost a part of who we are.  This is called attachment. 

Love is possible only to a free mind. 

Unfortunately, we are convinced that attachment and love are one and the same. In fact,  love and attachment are totally opposite like heaven and hell. 

Love is pure and divine. Attachment is impure and evil. Attachment is also called as Maya   in spiritual literature.  That which does not exist, but appears to exist is Maya. 

Let us have a look at our attachments. 

Our first and foremost attachment is with our body. 

Who am I? I am this body. 

I am fat, I am short, I am ugly, I am old, I am healthy, I am sick. 

We know that the body is going through change continuously. -Health and sickness, growing and decaying, dull and energetic, pain and pleasure etc., and the fate of body is, it will drop out one day.  In spite of  knowing the nature of body, we have become one with it. The ideep rooted belief in us is - I am this body.  If something happens to the body, it appears as if it is happening to our self. So, we live in fear and insecurity always and always. 

From body identification, all other attachments are born.

As the body chemicals and hormones change, feelings and emotions are experienced. We identify with our feelings and say, “I am dull, I am crazy, I am tired, I am depressed, I am happy, I am angry, sad etc.,” These are just sensations in the body. They are just passing clouds. Come and go. By attaching ourselves with those temporary events, we suffer a lot.  

Clouds could be many, some of them may even be darker and denser, but they cannot corrupt the sky, in fact, they can’t even touch the sky.  Similarly, the moods and modifications of mind cannot touch our Self.  But, out of ignorance we created an unholy association with those feelings and suffer the fluctuations.

We know, we are attached to our family. As a mother, I am happy only when my child is happy.  As a father, I am happy when my son listens to me.  I am daughter, I have to be obedient to my parents, and so on. I love my family and  indifferent to others. 

Love is vast and infinite, but we have confined it in little cases called relationships.  That’s how our love has been poisoned.  Water is pure and life giving. But, if the same water is stagnant, then, it becomes a breeding place for flies and bugs. 

The love directed specifically towards an object or a person becomes toxic and deadly. In personal love, you are desperate for the other. You are uncomfortable without the other.   Now, you can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t even be yourself. This is called as Moh. 

Generally, in our so called love affairs, two people come together because they are in need.  They do not come together out of freedom or peace. There is a definite need.  It could be fulfillment of desires or an escape from loneliness. Or, it could be a need to have control over other or to get respect and validation from the other.  We don’t take them as a serious issue because, the needs appear to be very natural and even our social conditionings back up these needs. 

As we lost touch with the songs of saints and wisdom literature, we have not understood the meaning of love.

A relationship based on need is a germinating field of violence.

What will a needy person do to the other? Consume the other. This is what happens with lovers.  They consume each other. 

If at all the other person wants to go away, will I allow them to go away?  No.  He has been fulfilling my needs, he is dear to me, I cannot miss him. I will keep him close to myself. I will not let him go.

Where is love in all these?  If it hurts and enslaves, can it be called as love at all?  But we believe that we are in love.  This is how we are deceived by Maya.

Why should we let go of attachments?

Because, in attachment suffering is guaranteed. 

We say that we care for others. When we care about something or someone, that thing or person becomes more central and important than ourself. Then, craving to possess them arises, it is suffering. Once we have them with us, holding them is a huge effort, which is again suffering.   Then, the fear of loosing is suffering and when it is lost, breaks up, then, the memory is also suffering. 

The root of suffering is attachment. This was the Buddha’s core insight. It is the second of the four Noble Truths, the first one being simply the observation that all life is suffering.

How to let go of attachments?

In Gurbani, the Sikh Guru, Guru Nanak sahib tells us about attachments to worldly things and relationships.

“Emotional attachment to Maya is totally painful, this is a bad bargain”

1.  Identify that you are attached.

We are living in society where attachment is totally accepted. It is just like living in a society where alcohol abuse is completely accepted. Everybody is doing it. So, it must be right. First, we have to understand that we have attachments. Otherwise, we would say, “I love my kid” because everyone love their kid. I am supposed to love them. No. That is an attachment. 

The Gurus are not telling that you should not love your children, but do not attach to your children. Know the difference.

We don’t realize  how many things we are attached to. I am just attached to my money, my new mobile, my car, my wife, my new diamond ring, my name, my position, my job this and that. We are so attached to the ideas and opinions we have about ourselves and others. We are attached even to ourselves. We want to preserve ourselves. 

The objects are many and all are very addictive like drugs. It is not an easy thing to do on our own. We must seek the guidance of true Guru.  Guru is the one who is capable of taking us from darkness to light. Guru is inside as formless pure awareness and outside in a form as a book or a person or the Name of God. 

One day the body is going to be taken from you, family is going to be taken from you, all that you see around is going to be taken from you. Guru Nanak does not say that you run away from family. What he says is, “You keep them, fulfill your responsibilities, but do not get attached to them” When they go away, let them go. You started nourishing and taking care of them, but what happened in the process, you created an attachment in such a way that you can not see yourself as yourself but only in relation to them.  This is the thing to be broken.

Continue with your love, continue with your responsibilities, enjoy the company of near and dear ones, but you have to break the thing that I want them to continue. They do not define what I am. 

2.  Depend only on the One. 

You are attached because you think there is something valuable out there. 

Detachment is when you realize that the valuable is not something you get from others, not something you get by clinging with others, is not something that you get from here and there.  

When you give up the hope of getting fulfillment from others, then, you get detached. When you know the valuable is already within you, you can let go of anything outside. 

Depend only on the ONE, so you need not depend on thousands. Have faith that real lover is already with you. 

Detachment does not mean, “I won’t be with you”

Detachment does not mean, “I will not take care of you”

Detachment only means, “I do not depend on you. I am with you. We have a loving relationship, wonderful, but I do not depend on you. And neither do I aspire that you depend on me. I am complete in myself and out of my love, I really want that you too be complete in yourself”

3. Remind yourself the impermanence of life every moment.

We think that we deserve to have what we have. This is not reality, this is fantasy. Give up this fantasy. This fantasy is what making you suffer. They have been given to us as gifts. And, at any time, they can stop. It is nature of things. Things are created and at any time, things can be destroyed. 

Detachment is when you realize that the world is never going to be forever. Our loved ones are not going to be with us forever. Either we die or they are going to leave us. Before they leave, we must let go of the attachment. Do the same thing for yourself. Do not have expectation that your own life will continue.

Remind yourself that things can be taken away at any time. And, be at peace with the uncertainty. If you do not face the reality as it is, then, you must suffer in attachment. 

Summary and key points to remember:

❤ Love arises from fullness.  Attachment arises from incompleteness.

❤ From the attachment of body, all other attachments are born.

❤ Love is impersonal.  Attachment is personal, petty and toxic.

❤ Love based on a need leads to violence. 

❤ We need to let go of attachments because in attachment suffering is guaranteed. 

❤ In our normal love affairs, we want to consume the other.

❤ How to let go of attachments?

❤ Identify that you are attached.

❤ Depend only on the One, Have faith.

❤ Remind yourself the impermanence of life every moment.

Read slowly.  Reflect deeply.

Share your reflections and queries.