Forgiveness

 Just as the meaning of many spiritual words are distorted, the meaning of "forgiveness" has also been distorted.

Forgiveness, gratitude, dispassion, surrender, self-respect, faith, Witness. They are all pointing to the one and same, the Zeroness. 

Living in the dualistic world, as individuals, sometimes, unconsciously, we fall for the egoistic tendencies.  We suffer and make others also to suffer.  By grace, if we are able to see the disturbance, we also see that we have the power to give up the weakness and  come back to our true Self.  This power to come back to equilibrium has been indicated in different ways.  It can be called as forgiveness or gratitude or surrender.  It depends upon the state of mind of that individual at that particular moment. 

 If someone has been blaming himself for mistakes and others for the disturbance and suddenly got to see that they are all play of Maya, then, he may come back from chaos to neutral position, it is naturally forgiveness.   Suppose, if he is unaware of his own patterns and suddenly exposed to them, he comes back home by gratitude.  Words are different, but what they are pointing is same, where they are taking to is same.  Some one may come back by faith.  

Bondage and Liberation ~Ashtavakra Gita

Distaste for sense objects is Liberation; Passion for sense objects is bondage.  Such indeed is knowledge. Now you do as you please. 

~ Ashtavakra Gita, Chapter 15, Verse 2

Ashtavakra has used the word "Vishay" grossly translated into sense objects.  The fields or objects of attraction of the mind is vishay. It is not limited to sense perceptions, but feelings and thinking.  

Distaste for sense objects is Liberation.  

Where does the interests of mind lies?  What food it chews and relishes all the time? 

Mind is a belly that is hungry always. It is never content. It is interested to posses objects of any kind, chew it and consume it. It thinks about the taste of food, nice words it heard and the pleasant experiences. It also thinks about the past unpleasant events the abuses, insults, criticism. It is captivated by the happenings within and around. 

What happened in China?  Who won in the president election?  How much is the onion price today?  What did they tell about me?  Why could not I respond properly when my mother in law abused me?  How to make banana pan cake?  Which brand of mobile is the best? 

Petty issues running in the head all the time. 

The mind is constantly occupied with such occupation. It is obese of experiences, yet, the hunger is never satiated. 

True Knowledge is understanding.  When the mind understands that its hunger is unreal or nothing and no experience in the world is capable of fulfilling the hunger, it stops wandering. It becomes quiet without any effort. The disinterest that comes along with understanding  is called "Vairaagyam", dispassion.  

Dispassion is not a virtue to be acquired or cultivated, but the nature of one's Being. 

Passion for objects of interest is bondage. Find out where your interest lies. Is it really your interest?  Has it ever fulfilled?  What is the compulsion to have them?  Contemplate. This indeed is the knowledge. Now do as you please. 

Relationships of Love

What is Love? 

Love is a relationship with the other. 

Simple.

The quality of relationship obviously depends on the quality of the mind, isn’t it?  Suppose, if the mind is dishonest, then what kind of relationship will it have with others?  Dishonest.  If the mind is suspicious and doubtful, then what kind of relationship it will have?  Suspicious relationships, right?  A lonely mind would be clinging and latching on to others.  The mind that is hurt and painful will surely hurt others. 

Similarly, if the mind is peaceful, relaxed and contented, then, it will only have a loving relationship with others. A peaceful mind is also called as a healthy mind. Only a healthy mind can have healthy relationship with others. 

In order to have quality relationship with others, first, the mind should be qualified.   

The mind at ease with itself is qualified for love.  

Most of us are not at ease with ourselves.  We find faults with ourselves. We think that we  are worthless and inadequate.  We feel guilty.  We are very critical with ourselves. I should not have done this.  I am stupid, good for nothing. I am mean. I am lazy. Such are our inner dialogues.  Actually, we don’t  like ourself as we are. We are very uncomfortable in our own company.  We are violent not only to others, but to our own mind.

How can I have a healthy relationship with you if I’m not healthy? Is it possible? Is it possible that the mind is diseased, but the relationship is healthy? Is it possible?

If I don’t have a good relationship with myself, how is it possible to have a good relationship with others? 

To put it simply, to love the other is to have a healthy relationship with the other. And for that the mind must be healthy in itself. Are you getting it?

Do you get now what love is? A healthy mind. The relationships of a healthy mind are called love; the relationships of a healthy mind are loving relationships. Isn’t it so simple? It’s not complicated. It’s not something that you can never understand. It’s so simple that you want it to be a little more complicated; it’s so simple that you find difficult to enter it.

Ignorance, Fear and Love - Three levels of Relationship.

When we are taking about relationships, we are not only talking about relationship of man and woman, it includes everything.  Relationship is our very state of mind. Relationship means, how am I relating to my parents?  How am I relating to my neighbors?  How am I relating to my books?  How am I relating to the food?  How am relating to the pet animals?  How am I relating to the trees? I am in relationship because every point in time, we are relating with others.

What is the basis of these relationships?

There are three kinds of basis.  

1. The lowest level, materialistic.
2. The second level, animalistic.
3. Love: The highest, Pure love. 

The materialistic level:  

This is the way iron relates to magnet, there is a certain relationship, but it is a totally dead relationship. Does the iron piece know why it is attracted to magnet? No. But, still it gets attracted. Similarly, one is attracted to the other for no reason. At certain age, sexual attraction happens.  They don’t know why they are attracted.  

Staying in the same house for years together, man and woman get attached to each other, babies are born, yet, there is no understanding, there is no real love between them.  This is the lowest level of relationship where both the parties do not understand what is happening.  

The Animalistic level:

The second level of relationship is called animalistic where you are relating because you  need something from the other or because you are afraid.  Have you seen how animals are relate to each other? You show a piece of bread, the dog will come to you.  The male dog runs behind bitch for the greed of sex. The animal is attracted only by fear and greed.  If a relationship exists because you want something, then this relationship belongs to animal nature.  

Relationship based on love:

A relationship based on love is a relationship free of conditions and expectation.  I am joyful, I don’t need anything from you, yet I am with you.  I won’t demand you to become something.  

A relationship based on love will liberate, will set the other free.  It will not impose conditions.

Love does not say that if you do this, only then you are my son. 

Love does not say that  I have invested so much in you, now you have to repay it by being obedient. 

Love does not say that I will be with you only if you marry such and such a girl. 

These are not symptoms of love.

Have beautiful relationships,  but also do not forget to investigate the basis of those relationships. 

Ask yourself these questions and find out answers.

• Why do I go to school or college or office?   Want to get marks, want money?   
• Why do you get married?  Want protection, safety afraid of society?
• What is my relationship with God?
• Am I afraid of something wrong may happen or do I want to get married, get a job etc., 
• How do I relate to the mobile phone? 
• How do I relate to the servant maid?
• What kind of relationship I have with my kids? 
• How am I relating to this page right now I am reading?  
• What is my relationship with the environment?

Note: Share your reflections.

Loneliness To Aloneness

Loneliness is a feeling of desperation for others company.  There is hardly anybody who don’t know about this feeling.   I need somebody or something besides me. I am uncomfortable and unease being left alone.  This is how a lonely person feels.  

Usually, we call someone lonely who lives alone, have no friends to talk with or who is left out in parties and gatherings.  It is not so.  We all have this feeling of loneliness inside us.  Even a 2 months old baby feels lonely and cry for the company of mother.  The child needs the loving protection of parents. 

 As we grew old, toys and friends became our companions.  A teddy bear, a toy car, Barbie doll, a video game and such things helped us to get rid of loneliness.  We had few friends who always stood by our side. Later on, a need for opposite sex, dream for a soul mate arisen.  We entered into marriage, yet felt lonely without children.  The first child was born.  We needed one more for the company of first one.  We needed a right community and relationships.  We invested our money properly, kept us always surrounded by amenities and gadgets. It goes on and on.  

The whole life seems to be a humungous   effort to escape from loneliness.  We had never been alright with ourselves. Every little thing, person or action came into our life with the hope that it would make me alright, complete and fulfilled.  In spite of our efforts,  the feeling of loneliness  haunts many of us, till old age and death. 

Is loneliness our fate or destiny?  Is it our intrinsic nature?  

This sense of separation and loneliness is because we have considered ourselves to be only body. Who am I? I am this body. The body is material. Materials are different from each other and they cannot merge with each other completely. It is their nature.

You do many things to get rid of loneliness or you may call it emptiness. Hoping a piece of cake can fulfill the emptiness, you eat a cake. It gives a momentary pleasure or satisfaction, the tummy is full, but you find yourself still empty. You watch a movie, go to shopping mall even there you feel lonely amidst the crowd, chat with friends and relatives, have a drink, connect to face book, but are you feel really connected with anybody? Are not you still lonely?

We are afraid to be lonely. The world seems to stand up against us. It looks like an opponent, a competitor, a promising source of happiness or potential threat. We want someone to be with us, caring loving and fulfilling our needs. If suppose we get someone who seems to be filling the hole with in, we become dependent on them. We become so attached to them, that we cannot leave them free. This suffering for one self and the other.

Those who want to escape from loneliness get into the trap of attachment, eventually. Do you see this?

If two people are missing each other in their loneliness, when two people are dependent on one another for the reasons of security or finance, then, there can not be real love in it. 

If loneliness is the basis of our relationships, it cannot be a healthy relationship. It is a relationship born out of discomfort and disease, so it will perpetuate only disease and discomfort.  

A lonely person will always think about his own welfare and use others for his purposes.  But, the one who is in aloneness have a loving space for others to be themselves.  He will help others to enjoy their aloneness.  

A lonely person can almost receive pity from others, he does not deserve love. 

The first thing we need to understand is we can’t get rid of loneliness if we identify ourself with  body and mind. Each one is different in body and mind. We can’t go too close to anybody, our pain is our pain, nobody can feel for us.  Our minds are different.  They way we think and perceive is totally different from others.  The union, the harmony, the merging, the permanency we crave for can not happen even in intimate relationships if we live as body or mind.   It only shows you that you are longing for something immense and real that cannot leave you away forever, not petty objects or little people.

We have a core within us which is real, complete in itself and fulfilled in itself.  The core is the Real Lover. In religion, we call Him as God.  Staying with His company alone is the real Joy.   This is called aloneness. 

In aloneness, you enjoy your own company.  You won’t need others anymore. You are not a beggar anymore knocking each and every door.  You are full.  Now, the fullness will reach out others too. You become eligible for loving.  Not everybody is a lover.  

You must have God as your first lover.  Then only, you are capable of loving anybody.  So, in any relationship there are not two, three. I and You connected through God.  

Pay attention to your relationships.  When you see that a relationship borne out of loneliness cause suffering to all the people involved in it, then, your ways change. 

Once you really understand, then the right action happens on its own.

Realization is the biggest  power.  

Love without attachment

True lovers have always reminded us time and again the evil nature of attachments and insisted that love is possible only without attachment.  Yet, our life is full of attachments and we are indulging in it as if it is quite normal and virtuous.  

What is attachment?

Attachment is attaching our peace with others.  

Attachment is being dependent on others for our identity and wellbeing. 

Attachment is latching on to others for  personal gratification. 

We often attach to things  and people who are close to us and form an our identification with them. And, it becomes very difficult to leave them, they become almost a part of who we are.  This is called attachment. 

Love is possible only to a free mind. 

Unfortunately, we are convinced that attachment and love are one and the same. In fact,  love and attachment are totally opposite like heaven and hell. 

Love is pure and divine. Attachment is impure and evil. Attachment is also called as Maya   in spiritual literature.  That which does not exist, but appears to exist is Maya. 

Let us have a look at our attachments. 

Our first and foremost attachment is with our body. 

Who am I? I am this body. 

I am fat, I am short, I am ugly, I am old, I am healthy, I am sick. 

We know that the body is going through change continuously. -Health and sickness, growing and decaying, dull and energetic, pain and pleasure etc., and the fate of body is, it will drop out one day.  In spite of  knowing the nature of body, we have become one with it. The ideep rooted belief in us is - I am this body.  If something happens to the body, it appears as if it is happening to our self. So, we live in fear and insecurity always and always. 

From body identification, all other attachments are born.

As the body chemicals and hormones change, feelings and emotions are experienced. We identify with our feelings and say, “I am dull, I am crazy, I am tired, I am depressed, I am happy, I am angry, sad etc.,” These are just sensations in the body. They are just passing clouds. Come and go. By attaching ourselves with those temporary events, we suffer a lot.  

Clouds could be many, some of them may even be darker and denser, but they cannot corrupt the sky, in fact, they can’t even touch the sky.  Similarly, the moods and modifications of mind cannot touch our Self.  But, out of ignorance we created an unholy association with those feelings and suffer the fluctuations.

We know, we are attached to our family. As a mother, I am happy only when my child is happy.  As a father, I am happy when my son listens to me.  I am daughter, I have to be obedient to my parents, and so on. I love my family and  indifferent to others. 

Love is vast and infinite, but we have confined it in little cases called relationships.  That’s how our love has been poisoned.  Water is pure and life giving. But, if the same water is stagnant, then, it becomes a breeding place for flies and bugs. 

The love directed specifically towards an object or a person becomes toxic and deadly. In personal love, you are desperate for the other. You are uncomfortable without the other.   Now, you can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t even be yourself. This is called as Moh. 

Generally, in our so called love affairs, two people come together because they are in need.  They do not come together out of freedom or peace. There is a definite need.  It could be fulfillment of desires or an escape from loneliness. Or, it could be a need to have control over other or to get respect and validation from the other.  We don’t take them as a serious issue because, the needs appear to be very natural and even our social conditionings back up these needs. 

As we lost touch with the songs of saints and wisdom literature, we have not understood the meaning of love.

A relationship based on need is a germinating field of violence.

What will a needy person do to the other? Consume the other. This is what happens with lovers.  They consume each other. 

If at all the other person wants to go away, will I allow them to go away?  No.  He has been fulfilling my needs, he is dear to me, I cannot miss him. I will keep him close to myself. I will not let him go.

Where is love in all these?  If it hurts and enslaves, can it be called as love at all?  But we believe that we are in love.  This is how we are deceived by Maya.

Why should we let go of attachments?

Because, in attachment suffering is guaranteed. 

We say that we care for others. When we care about something or someone, that thing or person becomes more central and important than ourself. Then, craving to possess them arises, it is suffering. Once we have them with us, holding them is a huge effort, which is again suffering.   Then, the fear of loosing is suffering and when it is lost, breaks up, then, the memory is also suffering. 

The root of suffering is attachment. This was the Buddha’s core insight. It is the second of the four Noble Truths, the first one being simply the observation that all life is suffering.

How to let go of attachments?

In Gurbani, the Sikh Guru, Guru Nanak sahib tells us about attachments to worldly things and relationships.

“Emotional attachment to Maya is totally painful, this is a bad bargain”

1.  Identify that you are attached.

We are living in society where attachment is totally accepted. It is just like living in a society where alcohol abuse is completely accepted. Everybody is doing it. So, it must be right. First, we have to understand that we have attachments. Otherwise, we would say, “I love my kid” because everyone love their kid. I am supposed to love them. No. That is an attachment. 

The Gurus are not telling that you should not love your children, but do not attach to your children. Know the difference.

We don’t realize  how many things we are attached to. I am just attached to my money, my new mobile, my car, my wife, my new diamond ring, my name, my position, my job this and that. We are so attached to the ideas and opinions we have about ourselves and others. We are attached even to ourselves. We want to preserve ourselves. 

The objects are many and all are very addictive like drugs. It is not an easy thing to do on our own. We must seek the guidance of true Guru.  Guru is the one who is capable of taking us from darkness to light. Guru is inside as formless pure awareness and outside in a form as a book or a person or the Name of God. 

One day the body is going to be taken from you, family is going to be taken from you, all that you see around is going to be taken from you. Guru Nanak does not say that you run away from family. What he says is, “You keep them, fulfill your responsibilities, but do not get attached to them” When they go away, let them go. You started nourishing and taking care of them, but what happened in the process, you created an attachment in such a way that you can not see yourself as yourself but only in relation to them.  This is the thing to be broken.

Continue with your love, continue with your responsibilities, enjoy the company of near and dear ones, but you have to break the thing that I want them to continue. They do not define what I am. 

2.  Depend only on the One. 

You are attached because you think there is something valuable out there. 

Detachment is when you realize that the valuable is not something you get from others, not something you get by clinging with others, is not something that you get from here and there.  

When you give up the hope of getting fulfillment from others, then, you get detached. When you know the valuable is already within you, you can let go of anything outside. 

Depend only on the ONE, so you need not depend on thousands. Have faith that real lover is already with you. 

Detachment does not mean, “I won’t be with you”

Detachment does not mean, “I will not take care of you”

Detachment only means, “I do not depend on you. I am with you. We have a loving relationship, wonderful, but I do not depend on you. And neither do I aspire that you depend on me. I am complete in myself and out of my love, I really want that you too be complete in yourself”

3. Remind yourself the impermanence of life every moment.

We think that we deserve to have what we have. This is not reality, this is fantasy. Give up this fantasy. This fantasy is what making you suffer. They have been given to us as gifts. And, at any time, they can stop. It is nature of things. Things are created and at any time, things can be destroyed. 

Detachment is when you realize that the world is never going to be forever. Our loved ones are not going to be with us forever. Either we die or they are going to leave us. Before they leave, we must let go of the attachment. Do the same thing for yourself. Do not have expectation that your own life will continue.

Remind yourself that things can be taken away at any time. And, be at peace with the uncertainty. If you do not face the reality as it is, then, you must suffer in attachment. 

Summary and key points to remember:

❤ Love arises from fullness.  Attachment arises from incompleteness.

❤ From the attachment of body, all other attachments are born.

❤ Love is impersonal.  Attachment is personal, petty and toxic.

❤ Love based on a need leads to violence. 

❤ We need to let go of attachments because in attachment suffering is guaranteed. 

❤ In our normal love affairs, we want to consume the other.

❤ How to let go of attachments?

❤ Identify that you are attached.

❤ Depend only on the One, Have faith.

❤ Remind yourself the impermanence of life every moment.

Read slowly.  Reflect deeply.

Share your reflections and queries.  

Love and Attraction

Human beings are not born with the ability to love, but with a potential to love.  The potential can either be manifested or remain dormant, it is our choice.  The seed is already there inside, but it covered under piles of dirt. Remove all the dirt and give a right environment, then, it will sprout and grow into a big tree. The tree will bear fruits and give shelter to all those who pass by.  Tree is the fulfillment of the seed.  Only human beings posses the capability to truly love.  

We have not known Love, but have many misconceptions about love.

Two young people are holding their hands together and walking,  we say that they are in love.  We say, I love cricket, I love chocolates, I love this song, I love India, I love my family, I love my mobile, the list goes on  on. The word “love” is being loosely used for all that we like.  

Liking is not loving. 

When we feel a pull towards an object or a person or an idea, we just call it  “love” to that pull. If you see,  in this world, everything is attracting everything else.  The game of attraction is going on everywhere. Somebody bangs on the door, suddenly the mind gets attracted towards it.  Apple is attracted towards earth.  Iron is attracted towards magnet.  Chemicals when put together, gives raise to a chemical reaction, some bonds are formed.  You take two metals, keep them close to each other for a long time, then they cannot be separated, some kind of relationship  will be established.  

Attraction is the fundamental quality of this world.  And, this world itself has no life, it is a mechanical system.  Apple does not know why it is attracted towards earth, iron does not know why it is attracted towards magnet, why salt dissolves in water, salt does not know.  They are simply taking place because of the physical laws of Universe.  And, where there is attraction, there is repulsion as well.  Attraction and Repulsion are the fundamental laws of material world. Mind too is a subtle  matter.

So, when our mind is attracted towards something or somebody, we must know that it is purely mechanical.  A young boy getting attracted to a young girl is purely mechanical activity happening according to the biological impulses of nature.  

Love is not a mechanical activity.  Attraction is not Love.

You very well know, why chemicals react.  One chemical has some shortage of electron, so it wants the other atom to provide or share those electrons.  Similarly, whenever there is a feeling of lack inside, it will propel the mind to get attracted.  

Attraction happens when there is a feeling of incompleteness. 

We feel lonely and find a great attraction towards a man or woman. We feel inadequate and poor, and attracted towards money and wealth. We feel weak, insecure, and we are looking forward to hold the hands of someone strong and powerful. We feel unworthy, and find a great drive to posses  cars, latest gadgets, luxury home, a beautiful wife or accomplish something great.   Young girls are attracted towards beauty parlors, because they feel they are not beautiful.    

How did we get this “incompleteness” in the first place?

The feeling of incompleteness came to us in two ways.

1. Through  Body identification: 

Our physical body is little, finite and perishable. By taking ourselves to be the body, we tend to feel limited, insecure and greedy. 

2. By Social conditioning. 

We had been conditioned by our society to believe that we are incomplete.  Our parents told, “You are good only if you do what I say”, Teachers told, “You are good, if you get good marks”. When we were so small, immature and dependent on others, the social systems like family, school, culture, religion etc, filled our mind with wrong ideas about ourself and we believed them all without understanding. This is called social conditioning. 

He have often heard from our elders, “You will get respect only when you  achieve something great.”  “You are nothing without money.” “You have to  get a certificate of approval and appreciation”. Achieve!  Acquire!

We had been educated and habituated to believe we are not alright as we are through many ways. 

This feeling of incompleteness is the dis-ease.  You are uncomfortable and restless.  This is the cause of our attraction towards the world. This “incompleteness” is not at all natural to us. 

Love, on the other hand, is the quality of a healthy mind that feels complete in itself.  Because it feels complete in itself, because it is a healthy mind, all its relationships are healthy.  

A healthy relationship is also called a “loving relationship”.  It is so simple. 

Attraction is the symptom of sick mind.  They arise from our conditioning. 

I hear you asking, Please tell me, how can I get rid of the feeling of incompleteness, how can I get relief from the disease?  

Yes, it is possible to get rid of the feeling of incompleteness, because it is only imaginary, not a reality. 

So, there is no method or technique or practice helpful to eliminate this feeling. No need to do anything, understanding is sufficient. 

Love is understanding. 

Can I look at my mind?

Can I catch my own ways? 

Can I observe at the play of my conditionings and attractions?

If you can do that, just that realization gives you freedom from the disease. 

Freedom from disease is health.  Love is possible only to a very clean and pure mind.  Others will know attraction, they will never know love. 

Key words to remember:

We learnt few new words from this sheet. Let us take a look upon them.

1. Attraction
2. Social conditioning
3. Sense of incompleteness
4. Body-identification
5. Understanding

Contemplate on these words and its relevance in your life for the next few days.  Share your reflections on your findings. 

Few sample questions to ask yourself, 

Why am I attracted towards that person?  

What do I want from my friends or colleagues?  

What is the conditioning behind my feeling lonely?  

What kind of website or video is attracting my mind?  

The answers will reveal so much of your hidden tendencies.  Once they are revealed and exposed to your awareness,  you are free from it.  

Please share your reflections.  

Reflection writing is a powerful spiritual practice recommended by Vedanta teachers.   Keep a journal and write the reflections.  Do not hide, Do not feel bad. Do not expect some great treasure while you dig deep into your mind. There will be a greater probability to see only rubbish.  So, don’t get disappointed.